christmas whats wheres whos

despite warnings to start xmas shopping & writing early this year, ive done it again.

its been a mad 4 days as i try hard to squeeze in every possible lil' bit of shopping & plotting into every lil' spare moment of the day. at the start of this wk, i looked at my (ever-expanding) gift & card list & realised its almost an impossible task to make it by xmas given how stupidly ive packed lunch & evening appts everyday. talk abt lack of foresight!

so ive been going around shopping areas looking dazed & flurried. distractedly planning, scritchscratching, scribbling away at my post-it every moment, everywhere - on the mrt, walking through the mall, in the middle of work, as im about to fall asleep. suddenly ill rem someone else i need to buy for OR realise the perfect gift for who&who after knitting my brows & knotting my brains the entire day.

all this time, you plan the routes to maximise efficiency & for the operation to run like clockwork, like a supermarket sweep. Enter, grab. Enter, choose colour, grab. You cant afford a hiccup in the plan like the scenarios below cos it would mean your route is disrupted. It would mean other gifts on the list get bumped to tomorrow’s lunch or evening! and if it’s a popular thing, a delay in the plan could mean a case of… *den den den den* NO MORE WHAT.

examples of hiccups

no more WHAT

- you think you settled on the what & you go to the where you expect the what to be brimming with hope & confidence. That is until they tell you, they RAN OUT of the what. ran out?! you scream. the what that you spent many hours thinking & musing about before finally deciding was perfect. You ask the where to call other wheres to check stock, meanwhile fretting like crazy for another WHAT or WHERE that might have the sth appropriate.

the WHERE disappoints

- you think that a particular where wld definitely have the what that the friend likes. You make elaborate plans (along lines of cancelling nutcracker plans or ditching the dinner kaki) to go to the where. To your horror, the latest season at the where sucks big time & you cant find a what for your lovely friend!!! You panic & realise this is gonna take more time than you assigned it.

know the WHAT, but don’t know WHERE

- you know the precise what that your friend wants. You look high & low for a good version of the what. you take time to shop around cos you want the what to be the nicest one (for the price youre willing to pay) you can find. You rank the whats that you see along the way except they are located at different places & cos your mind is flooded with many other whats to buy for whos, after the evening you forget where the #1 version of the what was from!!! And before you know it, youre back to square one.

such, is the madness of Christmas.

THANKFULLY, i have a brilliant gf who’s free to help buy some stuff & to my delight, some lunch dates have miraculously bailed - maybe they too have to scurry off to shop. hah! so i might still be able to make the deadline afterall :) *crossing fingers*

As I go through the exercise, I realise there are 3 categories of pple you buy gifts for:

i. dear close friends
- pple you hold dear & love muchie
- pple most likely to bother buying you gift too; even if they don’t, you don’t really mind
- you take a lot more time & effort to think of sth appropriate to buy
- you worry if they wld like it
- you want it to be meaningful, practical & sweet at the same time
- you want to see/know their reaction when they open the gift
- most time consuming & expensive category

ii. not so close but people you like
- pple you just got to know recently &/or think you’d grow closer to in time
- pple you are uncertain will buy you a gift but you don’t really mind either way
- you don’t want to stress them out by buying too expensive a gift
- you don’t know them well enough to buy sth personal/useful
- so you settle for a more generic gift & worry if they would like it or think its insincere
- you end up mostly buying same type of gift for the same range of category II friends
- you also could leave out buying for some in this category knowing they wont mind but you aim to write at least a card…
- medium difficulty but still expensive cos more pple fall in this category

iii. buy for the sake of
- pple you wont actually buy for but you do cos you cant leave them out in the circle of friends
- pple you guess might give you a present so you have to prepare one in case
- you do so cos you don’t want to hurt their feelings, avoid feeling paisey
- you buy spare gifts to buffer for this
- mostly colleagues fall into this category

okay so I exaggerated alittle to make the entry funny. Disclaimer: not everyone is classifiable cleanly into these 3 categories. There are many people that are impt to me but wont get a gift (just cos we don’t normally give each other, rite?). And there are people who I didn’t really set out to buy for, but I spot sth suitable/funny & decide to get it, just cos. SO! pls don’t open your pressie (or realise your lack of) and try to figure out which category you fall into k?

AND despite my whining, I really do enjoy giving gifts to my friends, loved ones lar. Its nice to express your appreciation of the friendship & even nicer to see the smile on his/her face. It creates what I call the warm fuzzy feeling effect. Its the reason I fuss so much.

Fuss aside, here’s wishing everyone warm fuzzy fuzz this Christmas as you celebrate the lovely season with the precious whos in your life! (and of cos the most precious Who of all -youknowwho!) ;)

the main thing

Came to the realisation recently that my life has become too busy and too cluttered with jigsaw pieces of work, ministry, people, play. Theres always someone to meet, something to plan, some activity to enjoy, some errand to run. For awhile, I had the want-to-do-everything, be-everything-to-everyone & be-everywhere syndrome. And for awhile I liked it that way cos life felt… full. I felt like what I was involved in was meaningful, a balance of fun & service.

But somehow along the way, I started to lose control. Priorities got blurred as I grew tired, less focused. As I was sharing with my DG last wk, I am starting to feel the strain physically, emotionally & spiritually from this kind of a lifestyle. I run around so much I hardly have time to clear my room, return library books, clear bills, think through lessons, journal & be quiet before Him. I’ve heard it said before that the neatness of one’s room is a reflection of the owner’s mind & heart. If that’s to be taken seriously, then well things are kinda messy inside! :[

Which makes a re-think, re-org of my life & time very necessary at this point (hee, esp at the close of the year & beginning of another). I’m learning again that though there are many good things out there to do & experience, we cant do them all, much less simultaneously. Basic economic rule: there are unlimited wants (good things to be done & experienced) but limited resources (time, energy, emotions) so we all need to prioritise.

Also, through the book A Sinner’s Guide To Holiness, God’s teaching, reminding me to keep the main thing, The Main Thing. I’m only halfway through it but already im flooded with many serious lessons to apply & pray through – it’s highly recommended! [If I don’t give you one for Christmas, pls go buy one yourself haha :) its S$12.50 at Bookends]

What struck me so far…

Is perfection in Christ my goal in life? God’s goal for me in life is to share in His holiness (Heb 12:10-11), be conformed to the likeness of His Son (Roms 8:28-30). Not to be busy, happy, popular, engaged or overwhelmed by service. The goal of my life IS holiness. Everything I do has to be geared toward that goal. Nothing less.

John Chapman also outlines how we should progress toward holiness. It involves self-discipline & God’s discipline.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Heb 12:1-2

Throw off everything that hinders. Everything includes seemingly good things too.

“If at any time or in any circumstance the thing or activity gets in the way of growing like Christ, it is at that time or in that circumstance to be discarded…

(we are to) throw away everything which hinders us from following Christ to the best of our ability.”

The perfect message for me right now :)

Throw off sin that so easily entangles. Not just admit sin & ask for forgiveness, but to repent - actually renounce it & strive for it to end. I like how Chappo puts it, we are to be “self disciplined and ruthless toward sin…” Ruthless conveys utter disregard, absolutely no mercy toward the sin! very extreme, very cool but so very hard to do.

And through all this struggle against sin & God’s discipline, we can have the assurance of Roms 8:28-30 – that God will conform us to His likeness eventually & He will ensure the work is completed. I think thats a wonderfully comforting idea!

The summary of what struck me so far doesn’t do the book justice so pls go read it on your own :) we can even share & discuss thoughts on it tog ;)

Help me Lord to make the goal of holiness my personal goal. Don’t let me settle for mediocrity or superficiality, be distracted by unimpt things. Mold me, preserve me & keep me steadfast Lord cos I’m unreliable & weak on my own. Help us all to keep our eyes on You, the sustainer & perfector of faith & to press on in this race till the end. Amen.

love you no matter what

drafted 04 dec

i just watched chicken little tonight. the characters were all super duper cute! most parts were silly slapstick funny but there were a couple of awww hes-so-poor-thing moments as well. overall it was a wacky, lighthearted movie with a shallow plot. enjoyable if you just want a no-brainer :I

somehow i have a knack of getting the emo, struck-to-the-heart moment at the most unexpected of times. its the moment where strangely the line of a song, or the words in the dialogue (in or out of its context), or some statement in a casual conversation brings you to a realisation or reminder of sth that strikes you to the core. no one expect the moment in the middle of a silly animation flick or whilst shopping or even clubbing. no one but me!

tonight i got it in the dramatic & stressful scene where chicken little was to ascend dangerously up a steeple against his dad's better judgment & daddy rooster yelled to his son: i love you no matter what!

love you no matter what. a promise i made with someone very impt years ago. i remember the night fairly clearly... we were sitting on the steps of a very makeshift, kampong-like chalet in indonesia, facing the beach under the dark night sky. we were on a mission trip and in the middle of a difficult time in our rship. there was alot of uncertainty but we both knew we wanted to be a huge part of each other's life whether or not we were together. we were best friends and we would love each other no matter what. no matter what the hurt, no matter what we did to each other, no matter who we ended up dating, who we ended up marrying.

i havent heard that phrase for a long time now. when i heard it again today, i wondered if we were silly to have uttered such words... kinda juvenile eh? i wondered how much of that promise is still true for me & him. i wondered if he remembered that night at all & if he still cared. i wondered if i am, if i could still keep my side of the bargain? we may be far from each other's lives but i can still care by praying for him & his, by wanting the best...

ill probably never make the promise to anyone else save the person i marry. it takes alot to make such a statement and alot more to stick to it... in a way, only Someone can make that kind of a promise & keep it perfectly. Someone who has paid the price & done it all. that special Someone... mr JC :)

reminds me of a song by Third Day, unoriginally entitled Love Song... super cool words tho

I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves
How many times has he broken that promise
It has never been done
I've never climbed the highest mountain
But I walked the hill of calvary

Chorus
Just to be with you, I'd do anything
There's no price I would not pay
Just to be with you, I'd give everything
I would give my life away.

I've heard it said that a man would swim the ocean
Just to be with the one he loves
But all of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done
I've never swam the deepest ocean
But I walked upon the raging sea

Bridge
I know that you don't understand
The fullness of My love
How I died upon the cross for your sins
And I know that you don't realize
How much that I gave you
But I promise, I would do it all again

Just to be with you, I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay
Just to be with you, I gave everything
Yes, I gave my life away

abit romanticised lar but kinda makes man's love pale in comparison doesnt it? ;) heh mr JC rocks!!!

step #114

I'm so very very very very tired.

Have you had one of those moments where you’re focusing hard on a task at hand and just as you are about to do step #114 after finishing step #113, your mind just sorta blanks out? Like T.O.T.A.L.L.Y blank out?

Upon consciousness, I thought & thought & searched my synapses for what step #114 was. Step #114 which came into view then strangely slipped away before I could register it into the slightly longer term short term memory (at least long enough to get through step #114 to get to step #115 & so on & forth so I can eventually get to step #135 & send the darn email out before proceeding on to task #15 of the day). Step #114, a normally natural & common sensical next step, now extremely elusive I cant for the life of me know what it is. SO! I decided to do the brainless thing - come here to blog about it. or rather whine about it, confuse you totally about it.

I haven’t blogged recently cos
a. ive had many other things to do

b. the many things to do, though very interesting & worth sharing, sapped much energy; I didn’t have it in me to mold my thoughts coherently into blog entries

In summary, some stuff I’d have (& might still) blog about

- All You are, all I am
- What car would you be?
- Top 5 favourite Christmas carols – the classic AND cheesy ones
- Our longest exchange in 925 days
- "Love you no matter what" ~ Daddy Chicken

I’m totally sleep deprived. Accumulated deficit over 2 weeks really doing immense damage to complexion via zits & enlarging dark eye circles (no wonder they called her Sleeping Beauty – she slept a lot that’s why she was beautiful. sleep-FULL = beauty-FULL), quickness of mind & emotional quotient. Of cos all translated now into one super zonked but whiny email. I did warn you didn’t I? ;)

Okay. That’s my pseudo update. Going back now to find step #114 so I can get to step #135 & maybe finish up task #30 before heading out to dinner and eventually hit the sack to work in some sleep credits. Ciao!

baby baby

my closer friends all know i adore babies & toddlers. at least i love to cuddle & admire their cuteness. a fact partially proven by the collection of adorable baby pics stored in my hp - mostly of stranger too-cute-to-miss kids! :) looking after ten 3-year olds running amok in nursery is another story altogether though... 3hrs is more than i can take at ago.

isnt she just the cutest thing?

ive been around new & would-be moms alot the last couple of days. being intrigued & mystified by the whole concept of motherhood, i always have a truck-load of qns for pregnant women: so how was the first trimester like? did you suffer from morning sickness? is it very heavy? are you scared of the pain? will you take epidural? why /why not? are you happy with the gender? have you thought of the name? how are the pre-natal classes like?

for new moms i have another set of qns: how long were you in labour? was it really bad? how long were the intervals between contractions? how was your hubby like during delivery? are you breastfeeding? how often does he/she feed? is it painful? who's going to look after baby? you going to return to work? would you do it again??

through my series of interviews, ive learnt many things. every woman experiences slightly varied ills during pregnancy. some suffer from severe morning sickness even beyond the 1st trimester, others dont get pukey at all. some have cravings, some none. some are pro-intervention (got epidural - of cos take lar!!) while others want to brave it out the natural way (intervention leads to more intervention, she tells me wisely). you never can predict how the delivery process will pan out - some take 5hrs, others 30hrs (!!) & various complications could occur along the way.

ive learnt also that pregnancy is tough - you get very lethargic & tired & get backaches. you cant clip your toenails, you feel breathless easily & get leg cramps in the middle of the night. the load keeps getting heavier to bear up till the point where you just cant wait to pop. labour & after is even tougher - the anticipation, the indescribable pain, the 5hrs sleep in 3 days, the unpredictable crying, the baby that just wouldnt sleep, the jaundice, the management of grandparents, the painful boobs, etc. its crazy cos you hardly have time to eat or sleep & your life just revolves around the tiny thing. to think i get grouchy if i sleep less than 5hrs two nights at a go... :P

but you also hear the heartwarming joy in the parents' voices & note the adoring looks on their faces. you hear sweet stories of supportive hubbies & watch your normally whacky gf lovingly, patiently cajole her unconsolable baby & realise parenthood really makes you grow up overnight. you are forced to be selfless, to be responsible & strong for the little one. you also get a glimpse of the love that God must feel towards us as His children - so helpless, so ignorant, so dependent. the tussle between loving & not spoiling, discerning what's really vs superficially good for the child. parenthood in this light is so amazing, so cool.

i hear stories, see good & negative egs of new moms and wonder to myself - would i be able to handle it well? how would motherhood fare on me? would i be strong & dependable for my child? can i ever be this selfless? would i be able to bring him/her up right? on one hand, i know i really want children. on the other hand, it seems like an intimidating unchartered territory. an irrevocable, irreversible mission/challenge of the highest order. the reality of being a mother is really daunting & i dont know if one can ever be fully prepared for it...

kinda silly i know to dwell on these cos im a long way from the prospect of marriage, much less being a mom. but if i ever get the chance to be, i want the answers to these qns to be yes.

yes, in reliance on Him. yes, as i partner with my husband. yes, as we recognise together he/she belongs first to God... if the time comes.

baby baby im taken by the notion
to love you with the sweetest of devotion
baby baby my tender love will flow from
the blue sky to the deepest ocean

... baby im so glad youre mine

- amy grant