grieving afresh

i havent felt this helpless and lost in a long time. old hurts, wounds surfaced with a new twist throwing me into confusion. i struggle, stumble... trying to grasp, process, accept the extent, the implications. i miss, i long, i wonder.

i almost forgot what grief feels like. your heart aches at unexpected times and tears both relieve and exacerbates your pain. youre in a perpetual funk - not always sad, sometimes distracted but a shadow follows you... casting its gloom. you crave company and solitude at the same time... you are a muddle and surely a drag to others around. you wonder when normalcy will return.

but in this dark time, despite my resentment towards Him, He still shows His faithfulness through people who love me... who unreservedly support, care and pray for me. their love has touched me. still, how I long for His assurance and comfort! only He can heal me truly and completely.

old songs bring familiar relief... and a much needed reminder of His goodness and my unworthiness. this is one of many of my fave songs by Point of Grace, titled Who Am I. you can hear the slightly drama version here on youtube. (i prefer my cd version more)


Over time You've healed so much in me, I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
Though tough at times its just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Well I am grateful that You shine a light on me at all

Who am I that You would love me so gently?
Who am I that You would recognize my name?
Lord who am I, that You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high who am I

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see
And the more I sing that sweet old song, the more I understand
That I do not comprehend this love thats coming from Your hand...

Who am I that You would love me so gently?
Who am I that You would recognize my name?
Who am I that You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I

Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace, Gods' great grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin

Who am I that You would love me so gently?
Who am I that You would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I
Who am I
Who am I
_________________

This is a reminder indeed. Who am I that He should care? Who am I that I should question? I am but clay, He is the Potter. As Job rightly puts:

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?