my Potter & i

"Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand..." jere 18:6

Monday, January 14, 2008

grieving afresh


i havent felt this helpless and lost in a long time. old hurts, wounds surfaced with a new twist throwing me into confusion. i struggle, stumble... trying to grasp, process, accept the extent, the implications. i miss, i long, i wonder.

i almost forgot what grief feels like. your heart aches at unexpected times and tears both relieve and exacerbates your pain. youre in a perpetual funk - not always sad, sometimes distracted but a shadow follows you... casting its gloom. you crave company and solitude at the same time... you are a muddle and surely a drag to others around. you wonder when normalcy will return.

but in this dark time, despite my resentment towards Him, He still shows His faithfulness through people who love me... who unreservedly support, care and pray for me. their love has touched me. still, how I long for His assurance and comfort! only He can heal me truly and completely.

old songs bring familiar relief... and a much needed reminder of His goodness and my unworthiness.
this is one of many of my fave songs by Point of Grace, titled Who Am I. you can hear the slightly drama version here on youtube. (i prefer my cd version more)


Over time You've healed so much in me, I am living proof

That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
Though tough at times its just enough to cast a shadow on the wall
Well I am grateful that You shine a light on me at all

Who am I that You would love me so gently?
Who am I that You would recognize my name?
Lord who am I, that You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high who am I

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see
And the more I sing that sweet old song, the more I understand
That I do not comprehend this love thats coming from Your hand...

Who am I that You would love me so gently?
Who am I that You would recognize my name?
Who am I that You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I

Grace, grace God's grace
Grace that will pardon and cleanse within
Grace, grace, Gods' great grace
Grace that is greater than all my sin

Who am I that You would love me so gently?
Who am I that You would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that You would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high... who am I
Who am I
Who am I
_________________

This is a reminder indeed. Who am I that He should care? Who am I that I should question? I am but clay, He is the Potter. As Job rightly puts:

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?

Monday, May 28, 2007

collide


this is quite an old song i know but somehow ive only recently discovered it, and listening to it feels somewhat like finding a soulmate of a song (i know, im strange). the tune just really gets me... reaches that obscure part of you in a way few songs do.


putting it here so i can find it whenever i want :) enjoy...
The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Thursday, May 10, 2007

stuff, fluff & everything


its been so long since i last blogged i forgot my login and password!

the past few months have been a montage of rollercoaster highs and lows, surprises & blows. been on 2 trips - one to kl on a decadent food tour and another to hk for much needed time with dad. both memorable, snapshot filled times! also gleaned new gadgets, new toys :) been overwhelmed with ministry commitments - all worthy endeavors but somehow preps and needs have been culminating in the last 2 mths, which calls for diligent time mgt, perseverance & reliance on Him. serving with joy nonetheless. work has been tough with various frustrating situations presenting themselves... taunting and making me wonder if im cut out for it / it is cut out for me. dormant affections have been quietly blossoming, bringing about a new feeling ive termed subdued happyness :) much to give thanks for there esp since complicated and jaded me have tempered things with much prudence and fear, its a wonder he's still sticking around. more than that im thankful to Him for surprising me over and over with His meticulous care, foreknowledge. He who owns me is sovereign and very good... so i must trust in His provision and relax in His plans.

today has been an especially difficult day as i struggle with taking the blame and shame for choices i did not make. im praying for reconciliation soon as every moment delayed demands more will to resist resentment.

distracting me from the burden of the day & wk, is this song by Michael Buble. my current fave - Everything. on replay mode!

a simple, sweet, honest declaration through love's tainted lenses... check out video here and lyrics here:
You're a falling star
You're the getaway car
You're the line in the sand
When I go to far
You're the swimming pool
On an august day
And you're the perfect thing to say

And you play it coy but it's kinda cute
Oh when you smile at me you know exactly what you do
Baby don't pretend that you don't know it's true
Cause you can see it when I look at you

And in this crazy life
And through these crazy times
It's you
It's you
You make me sing
You're every line
You're every word
You're everything

You're a carousel
You're a wishing well
And you light me up
When you ring my bell
You're a mystery
You're from outer space
You're every minute of my every day

And I can't believe that I'm your man
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can
Whatever comes our way
We'll see it through
And you know that's what our love can do

And in this crazy life
And through these crazy times
It's you
It's you
You make me sing
You're every line
You're every word
You're everything

And so la la la la
So la la la la

And in this crazy life
And through these crazy times
It's you
It's you
You make me sing
You're every line
You're every word
You're everything

You're every song
And I sing along
Cause you're my everything

Yeah, yeah

So la la la la
So la la la la
... doesn't it make you wish you could be someone's everything in such an undeniable way? ;)


Sunday, November 26, 2006

everything of me


I will offer up my life in spirit and truth
Pouring out the oil of love as my worship to You
In surrender I must give my every part
Lord receive the sacrifice of a broken heart

Chorus
Jesus, what can I give, what can I bring
To so faithful a friend
To so loving a King
Savior, what can be said
What can be sung
As a praise of Your name
For the things You have done
Oh my words could not tell
Not even in part
Of the debt of love that is owed
By this thankful heart

You deserve my every breath for You've paid the great cost
Giving up Your life to death, even death on a cross
You took all my shame away, there defeated my sin
Opened up the gates of Heaven, and have beckoned me in

_________________

we sang this song at church today and it was a good reminder of the gap - how much we owe Him vs how little we have to offer... which demands at the end of the day, everything of us. everything is a hard thing to give sometimes.

been confused lately, struggling with choices. need to work out with God the right direction to take... remembering again my life is ultimately not my own is a good place to start.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

belated birthday thanks


it’s the first Saturday night ive stayed home plan-less in a pretty long time, I kinda forgot how lazy and comforting it feels to spend a rainy evening in. such an evening passes surprisingly fast and painless in the company of the gorgeous Will&Grace (and Karen and Jack) ceaselessly spewing well-timed comedic lines (inappropriately) centred on gays, closets, life, melodrama, love and such (boy, are they addictive). 16 episodes, a seaweed pack, chunk of awfully rum&cherry choc cake and a dinner-in-bed later, I found myself lazier (I know! was that even possible?) and craving a wake-me-up-freshen-my-bedmessed-hair shower at 12mn.

I also found myself enough mental alertness to swing by here to add a few lines to this pinky place… for nice lovely friends who bother to check it despite its irregularity in updates (sweet people you are *muah*. don’t mind my unusually flamboyant style tonight – I blame the sitcom). One week after turning 25, I thought it still not too late to boast about my spoils AND share some hopefully encouraging thanksgivings (before I head back to bed for some Gilmore Girls).

okie! So here are the amazing gifts I received for turning one year older and er… just older ;)

- cK euphoria blossom – no doubt i made a specific request, but I’ve got my dad to thank for following through with it perfectly. He’s sweet lar... AND it smells super.


- a wonderful bouquet of lilies & roses from eels & sl… PLUS one big-ass kopitiam opening sized sunflower tower courtesy of prankster colleagues


- season 2 of Gilmore girls – bought them for myself, by myself


- new student bible! Cools. I did want a new study one so :)


- some money for work in Cambodia, yippee yays!


- an ipod shuffle bestowed in an unexpected fashion by an unexpected person who actually didn’t know it was my birthday but whattheheck, im adding it here cos i like it! :)


- a red red AA dress from mellie and fang… nothing makes me happy like new clothes :P


- tangs vouchers, contributing to get-pearls-an-oven-to-cook-for-herself&friends fund!! we’re getting there people, hang tight


- topshop voucher, cos referring to 2 points above - new clothes? good! Topshop? goodies!


- four birthday songs and candle-blowing cakes! that must be the record. i’m getting a teeny vibe I won’t want so many here on…


- three unnecessarily bourgeois dinners in the company of sweet friends who thought spoiling my taste buds would bring warmth to my heart… how right they were :) its that, the toasts AND the laughter. lovelove


- many lovely sms-es/calls from friends all over and a touchingly huge card filled with messages from people who came to our twins birthday thing. I appreciate nothing better than heartfelt notes (this ranks above clothes lar)… thanks for being such a sport, for the great cake, card writing, pressie-planning, photo-taking, event-documenting you all did. Couldn’t be more blessed than by the friendships God’s given!

Material and superficial ravings aside, conscience pricked and God helped me realize in a middle of a bus ride this cliché but true thing: as nice as it feels to be made special, centre-stagey on a birthday week, it shouldn’t be so much about who I am than it is what God has made me, provided for me. What I’m trying to say is, birthdays are a celebration of the birthday person (in this case, me), but they should point to the ultimate source, sustainer of that person which (in this case) would be, God. And this birthdayed girl thinks thanksgiving to that Person are in order. Here goes.

- im really thankful for how He has worked in my Dad… in bringing him to DG faithfully the past few months, for helping him to fit in and be open to DG mates. Also how we are able to relate better, be more loving and real in daily life going-ons. We are in a good place and its God who’s done it… praying for it to stay and get even better ;)

- thankful for provision of my job (actually for school, some brains, nice people, theworks that led to this), which has recently turned more stable cos I got confirmed much earlier than planned. God’s hand in providing the opportunity to coordinate the crazy project (ya know which one), in helping me to actually handle the people and bring it together, in granting me favour in the eyes of my bosses and colleagues, was just so clear throughout it all. Its all Him, none of me. I’m thankful He takes an interest in even this temporal (but real and necessary) aspect of my life and his provision just means one less thing to fret about. It also helps me to surrender so much easier the other things that bug the planner-worrier in me...

- huge thanks for the many good and true friends I have… they say you don’t get true friends after you reach Uni - uh-uh that ain’t true for this missy. I keep getting the good ones, man! even the new ones. New & old friends - people who are real, with personality, and wow, actually like me back! :) im blessed with really sweet people in my life who care about me and bring me great joy and fun… each in his/her own characteristic way that makes them endearing and lovable. I must have said it before but here it is again - you guys RAWK!

- I thank God for bringing me to a place I never thought I would be… a place of contentment and joy in the single life. I’m happy so much of the time and the times I mope about being single gets less and less, its almost like im actually losing the whole burden altogether (maybe this is how it fills like to miraculously lose weight in a marie france programme – you cant believe your eyes seeing your tightbutt reflection in that mirror in the spectulcular 10th week… ok, im trying to paint the effect of disbelief). Fact is, I never thought I could feel so good about being who I am, being single and all that (esp since I had the whole get-married-by-24 dream going on since I was 19)… only God could have pulled this off and I’m glad He did… praying it’ll stay and I will keep getting better at being single while loving the many couply people in my life :)

- lastly I thank God for making me the way I am… with my strengths, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Today, I unexpectedly shared with a new friend my soap operaly-dramatic childhood story etc and I was reminded again how great and awesome God has been to me. There are so many ways I could have turned out (the possibility of growing up lian, brash and possibly a single mom somewhere out there usually comes to mind) but I haven’t and I’m truly thankful. He’s been so good this past 25 years - keeping me on the right path, with the right company, allowing the right events to come, to teach me, grow me. I’m no angel and no morning star but God bothered to save me (in the longterm, eternal sense) AND make life on earth bearable, enjoyable, worthy in the meanwhile - both gifts I don’t deserve. Praying for me to grow in faithfulness, genuine love and selflessness… for His glory alone, till I get to see Him, be home.


night night.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

my heart for siem reap | part II


After spending 5 days at BBLC, we moved on to Siem Reap City for touristy adventures (think buffet, shopping, massage!). But alas, God was not done… He had more to show and teach me.

Landmine Museum

We visited a landmine museum which was built and maintained by a man called Aki Ra. Here, we learnt more about Cambodia’s history and Aki Ra’s life & work – a man who has devoted his life to deactivating landmines in Cambodia. He was born during the war times and brought up as a child soldier for the Khmer Rouge but was later captured by and served the Vietnamese army. As a child, he was forced to lay many landmines around Cambodia. When the war was over, he received education and started to de-mine on his own. Aki Ra and his wife adopts and bring landmine victims (about 11 to-date) to live with them in Siem Reap where they go to school, learn English (& other languages like Japanese!) and help out at the museum as guides. Its very heartening to know that many foreigners visit the museum and take active steps to help Aki Ra – setting up a website, helping with donations, teaching English to the adopted kids, etc.

landmine museum entrance

The museum isn’t like our typical concrete, polished ones with nice glass casing and labels. Instead, it’s a makeshift attap-like one, with various handmade posters, paintings, stories pin up everywhere, together with large array of different weapons, landmines. There we watched a video which showed the various events leading up to current Cambodia, the state of landmine activity now and the lives of kids who have suffered from the effects of these.

our guide, Hak

There was a portion of the video that really moved me to tears – where Aki Ra’s adopted kids were introduced one by one with their names (and obvious handicaps), all happy and grinning into the cameras. And the scene after that showed them having fun playing soccer, jumping into the river for swims, mucking around like normal teens. Its strange but that tugged at my heart as I marveled at how amazing it was that these kids, underprivileged in our eyes, take so much joy in life, are so very grateful they have a chance now to study, to grow to be useful adults. I wondered how our kids would be if they ever faced such a handicap, how I would be if I faced such a handicap – would it be the end of the world for us, or would we be strong and continue to embrace life like they have? Sobering and shaming at the same time… what right do we have to complain about our lives if they can live so well in theirs.

Facts (as far as I know at point of visit)
- 2-3 kids are injured/killed daily, around 1,000 a year
- 97% of landmine casualties are civilian
- There are approximately about 7 million mines still left at the Thai-Cambodian border

You can read more about the museum’s work and how you can help here
www.akiramineaction.com & www.cambodialandminemuseum.org

Beatocello’s Concert


Another outstanding man in Siem Reap is a Swiss doctor, Dr Beat Richner. Dr Beat gives free cello concerts every Sat evening in a wonderful concert hall in Siem Reap City. He plays classical and self-composed pieces to tourists weekly and uses the session as a platform to raise awareness of the condition of children healthcare in Cambodia, the work that he is doing and to raise donations to support this work.

At the concert, I learnt many things about the poor state of hospitals and healthcare in Cambodia. In summary, Dr Beat attributes it to 3 main causes:

1) Corruption

The Cambodian healthcare system is inefficient and ridden with corruption. Healthcare providers are paid poorly (US$14/month) which leads to bribe-taking and poor patients not being granted admission unless they could pay. Healthcare workers also worked short hours, stole medicines etc to survive. All of which meant the poor (which would be 90% of Cambodians) do not get the medical attention they need and the kids die.

2) War

The many years of war that Cambodia has gone through apparently resulted in dormant tuberculosis in majority of Cambodians. Dr Beat gave an approximated 65% figure as the proportion of children he thinks suffer from tuberculosis (dormant & otherwise). I’m no medical expert, but I understood that this fact meant that the Cambodians are more vulnerable to succumbing to minor ills and infections compared to other kids. It was also in Cambodia (due to his policy of effecting the right methods for the right issues regardless of costs) that infant tuberculosis was detected (a first in medical world).

3) Attitude of first-world countries

To my shock and horror, many reputed NGOs and first-world officials apparently subscribe to the belief that ‘poor medicine is good enough for poor people in poor countries’. According to this logic, they adhere that a country like Cambodia should not use modern technology like CT scans, blood labs to ensure clean blood transfusions. And medicines that are exported to Cambodia would be outdated ones (that may not work) not modern ones as Cambodians should get only what they can afford. According to Dr Beat, this policy amounts to passive genocide.

Of cos this idea is atrocious. Listening to Dr Beat, I realized how fallen our world is and one question kept ringing in my head


Is the life of a Cambodian child worth less than that of a first-world child?

Dr Beat was right. In Australia, Switzerland, Singapore, the UK, the US – would we spare any expense to save our child from an illness? Would we allow backdated methods/medicine to be used or to skip important steps in a blood transfusion exercise? Obviously not. Yet we deem it fit for the poor, just cos they are distant, ignorant, helpless. Shame on us.

Why are we so obnoxious and selfish, to only channel the right medicines to the ones that can afford it? I thought it through and realize it isn’t just the first-world governments or pharmaceutical companies that are guilty of perpetuating this error. It is common people like you and me that contribute to the problem.

Pharmaceutical companies would not give good medicine for charity (which is what giving to Cambodians would be cos they can’t afford much) because they operate for revenue. They operate for revenue because they have to answer to stakeholders, mainly shareholders of these companies. And shareholders of these companies would be individuals that own stocks, that demand high returns on their shares yearly. And these individuals could be anyone of us in the developed world.

Dr Beat was commissioned by the Cambodian king to build a children hospital that’s efficient and gives free healthcare. Over years of hardwork, he has now built three such hospitals in Phnom Penh and Siem Reap. Dr Beat pays his healthcare workers reasonably, trains Cambodians to work in the hospitals and grant free healthcare for all. When he first started the hospital it was run by a majority of foreigners. Now, he has successfully equipped the locals and these hospitals are run mainly by Cambodians (1,600 Cambodians, 2 Foreigners). He ensures the right equipment, methods are used to ensure safety of the kids.

Dr Beat face many challenges from the international community which I was ignorant of until that day. His work is sustained 90% by donations from tourists, people who attend his talks/concerts, the other 10% from his home country, Switzerland. Its appalling, but huge organizations (I shan’t name names) call on people NOT to give to Dr Beat cos they deem him a rebel and non-conformist to standards set internationally (basically in my opinion, they don’t like him cos he is spoiling the market). You can find out more by visiting his site
www.beatocello.com or borrow the book I bought titled ‘Hope for the Children of Kantha Bopha’ by Dr Beat Richner.

At times like these, I wished I was either a trained doctor so I can help or a millionaire many times over so I can give more to these people. Preserving their lives is one step forward – that they will live long enough to know the gospel before final death comes.

_________________________

Though the realities of what I’ve seen, desire to serve there again is keen and strong now, I know the urban world with its comforts and complications can make these realities distant and mild in time. So I pray and trust Him to preserve and strengthen any desire of mine as He wills... pray with me :)