missing & risking

its strange really how in the midst of the mundane & routine, sudden gushes of sadness & longing can overwhelm you.

look up 'missing' in the thesaurus and words that pop up include: devoid, absent, forlorn of, for want of, not found, not present, taken away, wanting, lost to sight... incomplete. it takes a sum of these to articulate the heart's pine.

this feeling of longing, of want... was felt at scattered times during the past month. each differentiated by the person for whom i longed, the magnitude of the longing, the circumstances surrounding the separation - emotional, geographical, transient, irreversible, imagined...

each triggered by random random incidences - my stumbling upon a friend's blog, the old love note tucked away in the drawer, the photo on the board, emails from the sweet friend, a chance glance across the hall...

death. the breakup. the departing flight. the job. the marriage. the turning away. the misunderstanding. the resignation. the almost-but-could-not. the unspoken words.

all these lie between me and the ones i love (some more deeply than others) & for whom my heart aches. i miss the times spent, wondering if it will ever return again. i wonder if they too, have at some point, felt the same. i cant express my ache or desire for their friendship, companionship to all of them. for some, my longing can find relief when we next meet or converse - next week, month or year. for others, mere words cant seem to bridge the barrier that has creeped up between us. for still others, there's that hope of reconciliation, that assuring warmth of friendship, love renewed.

in the face of this string of 'missings', i wondered to God: is it still worthwhile to give my heart to the new people You send my way? why do You always draw me into intimacy with people who have to leave?

part of me wants to close my heart, wished i was less open, less relational. it hurts Lord when they leave - im always the one left behind! in some ways, ive gotten so used to saying goodbyes, ive kinda grown numb to it.

maybe its God's way of ensuring my reliance on Him. maybe its really what love is about. taking that risk, opening one's life up to the other even in the face of uncertainty.

to love is to make the choice,

take the risk

a dear sister quoted cs lewis to me in a card 2 years ago, it reads:

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements and lock it safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe and dark, airless and motionless, it will change. It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only safe place outside Heaven where you can be safe from all the dangers and pertubations of love is hell.

I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God's will than a self invited and self protective lovelessness. We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, BUT by accepting them and offering them to Him and throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it."

love here doesnt just apply to that special guy that God sends. but also the sisters & brothers that i meet along this journey... many for whom my heart pines are indeed part of Christ's body. help me Lord to keep risking to love even though it could hurt. if my heart needs to be broken, so be it.